Better after a few hours

Feeling much better now. I have some pain pills in me and relaxed and moved a while. 

Fibromyalgia: the bitch

Today I woke with excruciating pain. Most mornings are like that for me. So I figured maybe after a hot bath and a heating pad it would get better. No. It was taxing on me just to take a bath and then I laid in bed after just crying because I want a new body. I didn't even have the strength to get dressed. My MIL and grandmother are coming over and I would really have liked to at least dried my hair or combed it even. But I could only keep my arms over my head long enough to put it in a hair tie. Needless to say emotional breakdown today. Plus I started my period so I've got cramps like hell. I really just want to find a spot on my bed where I can lay in a position where my pain goes away and ignore the world until it's better. But I have two children who won't stop saying "Mommy!" So that will not happen. 

Furious

I am so mad I want to rip someone's face off. 

37 weeks 5 days

So had a Dr appointment this morning. She passed her NST with flying colors and when Dr checked me she said that I was deffinitly thinned out and that babys head was way down there, she coulndt get in far enough to tell me how dilated i was because it hurt too bad with her sticking her hand all the way up in that business LOL she said it wasnt worth finding out today since im still 37 weeks 5 days. she said she wont check again until 39 weeks or 40 even. if i make it that far. i am hoping its sooner rather than later. I think that i am in the beginning process. i am pretty sure that i have been leaking amniotic fluid or passing my mucus plug the last few days. unles i am just getting worse and worse bladder control but that doesnt even feel like where its coming from. and ive also been having more bouts of more painful contractions, fake or real no matter they hurt and more and more period like cramps. so it wont be long now. cant wait to meet her! XOXOXOX

ahhh

F* people

January 7

Someone said something unkind about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome my hurt.By detaching myself,"turnin it off",until i can figure out what lies behind it. If it was retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me correct my fault. If not, I have no responsibility in the matter. Should I ignore or challenge? No. I will let it go; least said, soonest mended. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself,it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think abd feel about it.

Let me not take to mysefl and suffer over the actions and reactions of other people. Other adult human beings are not my responsibility, no matter how closley their lives may be intertwined with mine. I will not allow myself to be troubled by anyone else; my one problems is to improve my won way of living and looking at life.

God teach me to detach my mind from what others say and do, except to draw helpful lessons and guidance from them.

Missing the Candle Light Vigil

So I know that it has been a while since I have posted on here so I figured Id give an update. I seem to be flip flopping between a lot of things so I try to keep up with most., I just wanted to say that this past Monday was the candle light vigil for baby jacobs 1 and we missed it. by the time we made it to the right place everyone was already gone and of course I was a basketcase and cried and cried. i just feel like over the last three months i have put grieving for baby 1 on hold to make it through the pregnancy of baby 2. i just hope that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy because i couldnt bare having another angel baby. i took a minute today to clean my room and found on my dresser a little poem my mom bought me after we lost the baby. I couldnt even read it. not sure what that means. i dont know if i am in denial or shoving somethin away instead of dealing with it, but i guess all i can do is continue to pray. which i have. i have grown more in my personal relationship with God in the last year than i have in a while. whcih i am happy for. its a good relationship to have. anyways that my update. goodnight