One Month

So yesterday was one month since I found out that my precious angel went to Heaven. It's funny how your emotions are so in tuned to your heart. I didn't even realize that I was a cranky, tired, hot mess yesterday and now that Im looking back and thinking about it now I know why. Its like everything just happened a moment ago when in reality it has been a month. The world is moving faster than I can handle and Im not sure what to do. Im past crying everyday, now its only every couple of days or a few days in a row then a few days without it. But how do you move past being sad and instead celebrating life. I mean I know the life was in my belly and not out in the world where everyone can see, but I want everyone to know that I had a baby growing inside me? I was asked the other day if I had children and my heart broke when I heard myself say no, not here but in heaven. It opens up a whole slew of questions that Im usually not wanting or prepared to answer. And when I asked Brad if he would go to a support meeting with me if I found one and tried it and liked it and he asked me why. WHY? Really? Do I have to tell you, your my husband, my support and we experienced this together and even though your grief is different than mine cant we do this together to remember the baby that we made?! This heartbreak is going to be with me forever and I want people to share it with and bring me up and tell me that everything is really gonna be ok, and that I wont always feel like a lost, hopeless shell of a person.

Second topic, my friends are leaving. I know that life goes and things change, but why now? I know the answer to that question, not that I really like the answer. I have grown up moving every few years due to my fathers career, the military and yet again they are claiming my friends. John was offered and accepted a great opportunity to work in DC. I am very happy that him and his wife are getting this opportunity but sad as hell that they have to move accross the country. I know that we can still chat via text or facebook or phone calls but its not the same as hanging out at their house and grilling and watching TV or going out to St. Louis and finding something to do. The great friendship that I have found in them has only grown stronger over the last 6-7 years that I have known them and its going to be very hard to see them go, especially since I am already an emotional basketcase. They have always been there for me and when Brad came along, they were always there for Brad. Its just not going to be the same without them. With the exception of Kristen and Aaron, I rarley ever hang out with anyone but them and now that they are leaving Im not really sure what to do.

I dont know what to do about anything. Have you noticed this? Today I wanted to wash my laundry and after I got out of the shower I sat on my bed for 15 mintues trying to figure out what to do next. I had my clothes in a pile and my sheets torn off my bed but I couldnt remember what the next step was, I was overwhelmed with confusion and I dont understand.

I havent been able to sleep. At first it was just laying in bed for another half hour but now its hours and hours. Even when I know that I have to work the next day at 6:00am. I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and I dont raelly know how to get any rest. So if anyone out there is reading this and has any good ideas please feel free to let me know.... For now thats all I have the energy to write and it was alot.

I love you baby jacobs you are forever in my heart.

-xoxox-
Mommy