Courage

So my first Share group meeting is tonight. At least the one that I planned to go to. I am having a very emotional day today and I am not sure that I am going to have the courage to walk into it. Its hard trying to find ways to piece back your broken heart, but I guess we all do it in our own way and at our own pace. I just feel sometimes that my pace is a lot slower than other people. And then I think to myself why does it matter? Who cares if I am grieving forever, but the answer to that question is ME. I care. I dont want to be this sad person all of the time. Sure I can have fun and smile but then when no one is looking the tears come. I dont really know who to turn to. I know that God always has my back and it was funny the other night I as talking to my dad about how he was able to start sleeping at night and he said that he talked to God. I said yea me too but some nights I just end up talking to him ALL NIGHT LONG. A sleeping pill and two Nyquils later I am still unable to settle into bed with ease and sleep. It just doesnt really come for me. Sure once I am alseep I can sleep until 2:30 in the afternoon but when I wake up I dont feel rested. I still feel tired and weak and cranky. And to top it all off John and Danielle leave on the 13th and its like waiting for this huge sad thing to happen. I try to spend as much time with them as I can but when its all said and done theyll be gone in less than two weeks. Its like I want to shove all my problems to the side until they are gone but this isnt really the kind of thing that I can push aside. Its in the front of my mind all the time. I turst that in time the Lord will heal me and he laughs when I tell him my plans. So I guess I just need to surrender my broken heart over to Him and let Him do His job.

God, please grant me the serenity to accept that this child will never be in my arms, courage to realize that this child is always going to be a part of my life and the wisdom to know that You will take care of me.

xoxoxox

Summer's Mommy