Effort

So its really late but I just have to get something off my chest. Its really hard to not take things personally for me. Im not sure why, I dont really care what people think most of the time unless those people are very important to me, but its hard to put so much effort into something to not have anything appriciated or even returned. I have ideas in my head of what i want life to be and then part of me snaps out of fantasy land and comes back to reality. I try to believe the good in people but when i actually stop to think about the facts i cant help but doubt. doubt the truth in my head even really exists, even for a second. im not a naive person, or at least i dont try to be. I keep things to myself most of the time and let it slide because i dont want to face the reality of the truth. there just comes a point where enough is enough and you cant take it any longer.


so on a different note, i had a good time tonight. physically im in a lot of pain due to back problems. but other than that it was fun. good friends good food and awesome clothes. work was slow and nice.

i dont know if im going in phases of being sad but ive learned to let my grief in. part of me wants to shut it out and never have to deal with it but i cant do that. i have so many good days but then a wave of sadness hits me and its kind of hard to get back into the groove of things. its almost always at night. when im a lone with my thoughts. they keep wandering back to the baby. i cry sometimes, ok i cry all the time when that happens. last night it hit fast. i had a good hard cry, prayed a little then went to bed. but its really hard to deal with those kinds of feelings when just the other day i was able to talk about what happened with a friend without crying. i was sad sure but i didnt cry but tonight when i was out to dinner with the girls a new friend came a long and somehow i brought the subject up and with danielle and kristen they kind of just listen and dont say much but this girl talked. alot and it was hard not to say i dont know you so dont talk to me about this so i quietly asked danielle to pleasee change the subject. its harder to talk about it with people i dont know. to see the sympathy in their eyes, sometimes wanting to know more but not wanting to ask. (not in this girls case) but some days im okay talking about it but today i wasnt. i just wanted to cry right there on the Loop. but i didnt. i dont like to cry in front of people. there are very few who have actually seen me let loose and she wasnt about to be one of them. i dont know why it was harder today than it was yesterday or might be tomorrow. all i have is today and thats what i have to make the most of. i know that little to none of this made sense but its late and it was what was rambling around in my head and i didnt want to cry without getting it all out. so thanks net for letting me write on you... and to my precious angel upstairs. i love you so much and i really miss you and im so sorry that i wil not get to know you on this earth but you bet your butt that i am going to know you there.

with all my love my summer

xoxoxox
mommy