Not Alright

So yesterday I found out that Brad's bosses sister and her husband just lost their baby. I found this out because I was looking at facebook and a friend put up pictures. I couldnt help but look and my heart went out to the couple because I know the pain in losing a child. So later when I finally had fallen asleep, I was jerked awake from a heart wrenching nightmare. And as soon as I sat up I started sobbing and couldnt stop. I probably scared the shit out of my husband but he stopped what he was doing and comforted me for a while.

I dreamed that October came and the leaves started changing colors and I was pregnant again. I was showing and I had picked out an autumn theme for the nursery including wild sunflowers. I flashed forward to an image of a babys heartbeat on a monitor and felt relief wash over me as my husband bent down to kiss me, because I had hoped that I would one day get to bear witness to the miracle that is life. Next scene; as I was on my way to my mothers house to show of my first baby pictures, it was a boy, I was gripped by a very intense sharp pain. I knew in my heart what this was, because after all I had felt it before. But it coudnt be, I was just at the doctors and everything was fine. I rushed to the emergency room where the staff poked me and asked me all kinds of questions. But all I could think about was the fact that they needed to get a monitor set up so I could hear the reassuring sound of my precious angels heartbeat. And finally when they did...... nothing. I HEARD NOTHING! How can it be. I dont understand why this is happening to me again. I had finally pushed myself beyond being afraid for the life of my child and now this?? For the first time, even in dreams, I felt myself begin to question God. Lord, he is yours forever why couldn't he have been mine a little bit longer? I was in the hospital bed for a few hours when the contractions started. The doctor said that he will need to do another D&C and I start to cry again. He didn't have time, my body realized this time what was happening and I experienced the enitre labor.... except for the happy end. The one with a new baby crying. The last thing that I remember was flowers, thats when I woke up. It was like a scene from the movie of my future, I was so devastated when I awoke because it was like in the course of my dream I had gotten as attached to that little boy as I had gotten attached to my Summer in heaven. I was reliving the whole thing over again but worse because I had already been through it. The heart break and grief was all back like it had never gone away. Like I have it hiding away somewhere in my heart, pretending out loud that it doesnt exist.

I dont know what this dream meant, all I know is that it has been a rough couple of days and no matter what I do I cant escape the fear that this will happen again. I was terrified this morning when I woke up that I was pregnant again and that this was Gods subtle way of warning me, so I took a pregnanct test. Negative. I know that I shouldnt try to tell God my plans but I am so not emotionally ready for a baby. Not yet, not now. I havent finished grieving for the one I lost. I dont know if I will ever be done. All I know at this moment is sadness. Tomorrow, even five minutes from now that may change but right now in this moment, I am heartbroken.

And I know that you are watching me and reading this straight from my mind my angel, but remember always that I love you and I will forever be your mother. My heart aches everyday from missing you. I love you.


xoxoxoxox
-Mommy