SLEEP!

So here I am again almost 3:00 in the morning and what am I doing? Sitting awake crying. I dont understand how I can have such a good day and have it turn into such a sad night. I couldnt go to my meeting tonight. Just couldnt. I told my mom it was because i didnt want to go and cry the whole time and she asked if i was gonna wait until i wouldnt cry. that may never happen. i really will be fine one minute and even be thinking about it and then the next i cant stop the tears from coming. i am just filled with overwhelming sadness. just thinking back to the moment that i found out, and the surgery and everything.the way that my husband embraced me hard because he knew how this was going to affect us. It kills me that brad can think that there wasnt a baby. i cant for the life of me imagine being able to do that. its like im carrying the burden alone because im the only one who thought that it was really a baby. and then i think about all the moms who lose their child at birth or even further into their pregnancy and i think what am i crying about but its doesnt really matter how far along i was, i was pregnant with a child and i am forever going to be a mother. i keep being afraid that i am pregnant again. what am i gonna do when i do get pregnant again? be sad the whole time thinking about the other child that i was carrying and stressing out that the same thing will happen? i keep thinking that i am getting better and then i have these moments where i feel like i cant do anything. dont even want to do anything. i cant tell if its depression sinking in or if its true grieving that is occuring. i am so afraid that i am never going to be the same, i mean i know that i wont be but im afraid that i will feel like this forever and that nothing i do will make these feelings of sadness go away. i just dont want to cry anymore. i should be writing this in my journal so that no one can read it online but typing is so much faster when i want to get my feelings and thoughts out. i read online things to help you heal. the memorial we had and always remembering the baby and knowing that theyre in heaven and being taken care of. but that doesnt make the hurt go away. i have experienced death in my life before. Relatives and friends. But it is so not the same. I know that i have people to talk to because they are my friends but i have a problem opeining up to people because really once the flood gates are opened there is no turning back. i dont want to be one of those people who goes around complaining all the time but what do i do with all of these things inside of me? where and who do i turn them loose on? i cant talk to brad about it because even though it kills him he said that he doesnt know what to do for me and i am afraid that he will say what my dad said to my mom. why cant you just get over it already..... I DONT KNOW! i dont want to talk to john and danielle because they are leaving and even though john is emotional and we have had many deep conversations, i just cant turn to another man when that man should be my husband. i dont want to talk about it with danielle because as much as i love her i dont think that i have had those deep emotional conversations with her and its not fair to start now when she is getting raedy to leave. and kristen i love her too but she is dealing with her sisters cancer and if i talk to her about it i will just keep going and going and going. that is how i am with my mother. she can read me like a book and its not fair because i cant hide anything from her. when i am sad she knows and i know that she loves me and she will always be there for because she is my mother but i am sure that she gets sick of hearing it over and over again. i just dont know where else to go. I tell God about it all the time and as much as i prayer for him to show me the path to healing i just cant get there. i dont know if its because its not time or if he hasnt got the message yet but its not happening. Someone once told me not to tell God how big your storms are but to tell your storms how big your God is... thats how i feel. He knows all about my storms. And really i cant describe it in a better way. A storm. a big emotional chaotic storm of sadness and pain. even now when i think about finishing up with this blog and putting away my computer and trying to get some sleep i know that when i turn it off all im going to do is cry. cry and count the minutes until i finally get some rest but when i wake up tomorrow im not going to feel rested. im going to feel worn out and used. its how ive been waking up no matter how many hours of sleep i get. my sould and my heart and my mind just dont get any rest. ive lost 16 lbs since i found out that i lost the baby. i dont know why. i dont know what it means. i just know that i have. so even though i dont want to, this is it for tonight and i am putting down my computer and giving in the my emotions. once again. goodnight.

xoxoxox

i love you baby jacobs. my summer angel.


mommy