Two Months

So tomorrow will it will have been two whole months since I found out that we lost the baby. Its hard to imagine that its really been that long. I got a link for Jill and Michaels blog today so I got on a read it. I am soo happy for them. They are good people. But it made me a little sad reading all the little details of her pregnancy and them getting the nursery together and the ultrasound pictures. I could have had those about now too. Its just some days i get up and I think about losing the baby as another sad thing in my life that has happened and I dont really let it all in. I just think about it in passing, but then I stop and it hits me that there really was a period of time very recently that I wouldnt want to walk around too much, or wanted to eat right, and Brad got upset when the cats pounced on my belly and its hard. Its so earth shattering thinking about the fact that I really did lose a child. Remembering how I felt, the morning sickness, the exhaustion, the pelvic pressure. And no matter what anyone thinks I know that I was starting to change physically a little, or things were rearranging themselves because pants and shirts started fitting snugger and I am very in tuned to my body so I can tell when things are being displaced. Its hard to remember that stuff. Its hard remembering the day that I went in for my first ultrasound and the look on Brads face when he said that he knew something was wrong, and the doctor came back and said there wasnt a baby anymore. My heart breaks just typing about it. How can the pain last... how long will I have to cry about this? Its...... I cant even put a word to it anymore. Days come and go faster, and nothing slows down. And its not fair that I feel like I am sadder now about the whole thing than I was when I found out. But then again the death of babies has always had a place in my heart because of all the sisters that I lost. And I have always felt heartache for those parents who have lost their children but now Brad and I have joined that group of people. Parents who loose a child.

The memories hit so fast that I dont really have time to protect myself from them. And they pop up on me at very inopportune moments like when Im at work, or when Im with friends or out in public. Its rediculous how I have started to avoid the baby section at walmart and change the song when I know it will make me cry. Just Sunday night I was watching Army Wives and Denise had her baby and I was thinking to myself that I should have one of those growing in me right now but I dont. Why I dont understand. But then I stop and realize that Im not meant to understand, but it doesnt stop me from wanting to. I just wish that I could get all of my feelings and hurt out in the universe so that they arent bottled up inside me so instead of a person, you are it blog. Its all yours.

Thanks for listening.