So I have been sad for the last few days. Havent really had a place or time to write so I borrowed Brads computer for a little while to write this. I have lots of things in my head right now so if they come out all jumbled Im sorry and bear with me. Here are just some of my thoughts.
*I feel like my life is frozen and the whole world is going on without me, my babys death is but a droplet of mist that made no ripples when it hit the water.
*I feel guilty when Im happy or having a good time
*I feel cheated that I was never given any time with my baby outside my body
*I feel betrayed by my body, like Im not whole or workable because I couldnt carry my child to term
*I feel like Im just waking up, like Ive been in a fog for this whole almost three months. Ive been able to work, and hang out with friends and function but I feel it all sliding backwards as reality is starting to set it. Like Ive just been numb and avoiding my grief
*I feel its unfair that I tried to do everything right and people who dont want kids or smoke and drink and do drugs have a healthy pregnancy
*I sometimes feel angry with my doctors for not starting me on hormones sooner and realizing I was rH negative after I found out that my baby was dead
*I feel hopeless that I dont know what made this happen because I am afraid that it could happen again.
*I feel like Im burdening people when I talked to them about the loss of my baby. I feel like everybody is tired of listening but I still need to talk. Even though no one has given me signs of this. I know I am probably being paranoid and I just feel guilty for not being able to move on
* I feel angry at my husband because he doesnt seem to be greiving at all. And I am jealous of him because he was able to move on so much faster that I am.
*I am afraid to talk to Brad about this because I am assuming what his reactions will be (anger, no understanding, impatience, rejection)
*I feel stupid to the fact that I should just tell people what I need instead of assuming that if they love me they would know what I need because they cant read minds, but I am afraid to.
*I feel isolated by my hurt and sadness and feel that because I kept it in and pretended to be ok that I am stuck here unable to change my mind about letting people know that I am still sad
*I dont have energy for simple routine things such as washing the dishes or doing laundry
*I am unable to cope with other things in my life right now that stress me out such as my brother, school, money, bills, my health, EVERYTHING. And I am making myself sick.
*I dont know what to do next. Im confused and feel like I have a million things to do but cant even remmeber what they are.
*I want to try to get pregnant again soon because Im not getting younger and Im afraid it will take a long time to actually become pregnant again but I dont feel like I am ready emotionally.
Thank you for letting me get this out. I am sure that there is more but I cant find it in my mess of a mind.
xoxox
love you baby Jacobs
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment