Serenity

Sometimes life throws you curve balls
They can be good or bad
They can make you smile ear to ear
Or they can make you awfully sad

How do you cope with changes
And the aching in your heart
When all that you had hoped for
Slowly falls apart

Some days you are full of sadness
And other days you can smile
But there's always a hint of heartbreak
Like you're pretending all the while

No one understands your anguish
Or why it's taking you so long
Not letting go of your loved one
Seems to them just wrong

No one can erase
All the guilt that's in your mind
No one asks what happpened
Afraid of what they will find

One day I might be able
To look back without so much grief
And talk about the loss of my baby
And give my heart some relief




I wrote this poem today because I am kind of sad, I dont feel like I have moved forward at all. Some days I do smile and have a good time which was a lot harder to do a month ago I guess. But last night I talked with John about the miscarriage and I was fine while talking to him on the phone but as soon as I got off with him and Kristen went home I cried. And it was a hard cry. I know that grieving isnt supposed to be fast but I dont understand why Im barley moving forward. I feel like I am standing on a platform waiting for the train but every time it comes I let it pass and think to myself Ill get on the next one and still make it where I am going on time. Its like I feel that I have to hurry the process, because I want children. And I know I am not emotionally ready for being pregnant again yet. But then I think to myself that I am going to be 25 soon and that is one year old than I was last year...... I am not getting younger and I already have fertility issues. Big ones and I just have the feeling that if I dont do it soon that it won't happen. And I know that if I was meant to have children that I will but maybe thats what this yearning in my heart is. Its God telling me that its what I was made for. To be a mom. I dont know. I am lost and confused about everything. Brad seems to understand though. I am very thankful for that. I couldnt handle a husband who made me feel bad about grieving. In fact hes has been opening up a lot more about his feelings towards the loss of our child and that in itself makes me want to cry. Because when he shares like that it makes me feel not so a lone in my hurt. I dont want to be here alone. In limbo with no where to go.

Well enough about sadness and loss. Last night I helped Kristen study for her cardiac test. It was fun. We threw some cucmbers (LOL) and she sang to her coffee and tried to do CPR on Charlie. I couldnt stop laughing. It was great. I hope that she did well today. Danielle made it safe to DC and I am glad that she finally got to see John. He called last night. It was really great to hear his voice. I miss him so much, its tiring. Well I have to take Nina to a volleyball game so Ill write later.


XOXOXOXO

Love you baby J

mommy