Thinking

So the post I put up yesterday should be something that I read like every single day because today was really "one of those days". Work was long and exhausting, there are just a lot of things on my plate right now that are up in the air and I wish that I could just nail them down so I could organize my thoughts a little bit more and not feel so lost and confused! I wish I could have a list for everything in my life. I mean EVEryTHING. I am trying to think of all the things at once and I just dont have the mental capacity for it right now. I am not sure why.

Ive been reading a new book the last few days, well since yesterday actually. Its really comforting in a weird way to see on paper what I feel in my head and heart. Its a book about grieving. Its called Empty Cradle Broken Heart. Now when I first started reading it, of course I cried. Who wouldnt even if you hadnt lost a child I think it would make you sad just thinking about it. But to see how I feel every day and how I have felt in the past two and a half months in a freaking book! Amazing. I didnt even realize some of the things that were going on in my life were correlated to this loss that I have suffered. Ive been undersling and highlighting places in the book that I especially relate to and I think its a good thing that I am reading this book. Ive also decided its time for the SHARE group. Every second Thursday of the month at 7pm. Im going to try it alone this week, because I dont think for one that Brad is really into "support groups" and I kind of need a place to express my sadness where I feel no one will judge me. To be able to say that I am sad because he doesnt grieve like me or at all. I know there are certain times he opens up but I feel like I have my ups and downs in hours, not days or weeks. Even though its been two and a half months, there hasnt been one day yet where I havent thought about the loss of my child. I dont know if there ever will be a day that I dont think about it. But I do know that my downs will slowly become managable and that I dont have to rush things. Anyways these are the types of things I will leave to the group.

Im tired and my brain is racing so Im going to try to get a little organized. Goodnight to all.

God bless

xoxoxo Baby Jacobs