Trying To Be Happy

Lord, please grant me peace and serenity. I am moving on, slowly but surley. I hope. I found out today that Paola is pregnant. 13 weeks and 3 days. Teri is also pregnant, Jill is pregnant. I know that my turn will come. I am fighting a personal battle right now. Brad is in school, I will be done with school in June. Take my boards end of June or July. So I am trying to time when I can try to get pregnant again. Brad will still be in school but I will be done with school and can get a full time job. By the time I carry to term Brad should be done with his associates so that he can get a better job and I can take some time off. In a perfect world I would like to stay at home until they go to school but even if I still work full time if I do every weekend and one day a week thats full time. I just dont know if my heart is ready yet Only God knows when it will be ready. I am just praying a lot and taking time to think about it. So many things are running through my mind. Is it smart to try again when we arent so financially set? Would we be able to raise a child on what we make or will make? What if I dont try again soon? With this disease I have and the fact that Im not getting any younger, the older I get the higher risk of misscarriage I have. I just have this deep fear that if I dont have children soon that I wont be able to have them at all. Not that I wouldnt love to adopt if thats the only way I could have children, but I would like to be pregnant. I want to experience the wonder of having a baby growing in me. I know that I already have but it didnt stay and I want to feel it kick, and I want to read it books in my belly and let it listen to music in my belly. I just want this. I will continue to pray. Thanks for listening.